It’s a small world and it’s getting smaller

I’m huddled in the darkest corner of the room, listening to the growing sounds of a so very hungry crowd shuffling steadily in my direction. My heart is pounding in my chest and the guns keep slipping from my sweaty hands. I’m standing as still as possible, breathing as shallow as my body will let me. The crowd comes closer still. I can feel their collective hot breath buffeting my throat. Can feel their broken hands reaching for my skin. I know what they want. I can’t stop them.

My life is a video game.

Lately, paranoid as it sounds, I really can feel that crowd breathing down my neck. In that crowd is every person I know. And though the piece of me they want isn’t quite so literal, they’ll take it all the same. It’s slowly sapping the happy out of me.

It’s hard to know where to start. OK, so I went and drunked out this Friday. I mean, REALLY drunked out. I went further than I wanted to, but I knew what I was getting into and I had alcohol anyway. And this is where I don’t know what to say. Normally, I’d spew out all the details. Who reads this anyway, right? Except this time, I feel too ashamed to share. Not because I actually feel like I did anything wrong, but because I’ve seen that disappointed look on my friends’ faces often enough to know I’m weary from it.

Something I’ve repeatedly told myself along this “journey” is that as long as I don’t regret my choices, any pain or other such consequences are manageable and worth it. I don’t regret anything I did that night. Sure, I think a little less of myself. I mean, wow. But I guess I just view that as a price I have to pay before I can finally figure out who I want to be.

Doesn’t mean I was all that angelic or even intelligent Friday. Or that I didn’t do something that would aggrivate my friends. I’m worrying them, disgusting them, and angering them. I’m bumbling around, willingly walking into situations I know will violate me in some way, will hurt me just a little. But I can’t seem to explain how totally UN-masochistic this is. How curious I feel and how much I value each lesson I take away from these crazy nights.

It hurt Friday, to discover how incapable I am of protecting myself, and to realize that I’m not always surrounding myself with people I can trust my well-being to. That might sound like a given, but I guess I was really starting to automtically trust that people would have my safety and interests in mind. ha, naive, I know. But now I DO know. Now I’m maybe just a bit smarter. Having people tell me to watch my back, to be careful, and to drink less is nothing like figuring it out for myself.

What hurts more, is the knowledge that my friends might think less of me each time I do something stupid like this. That their response will be a resounding, “Duh, what’d you expect?” and a look of pity. So I strain myself, attempting to give off an aura of confidence. I know what I’m doing, everything will be ok. Except I’m scared half the time. I don’t know what will come of all this. I don’t know who I’ll lose and what I’ll become. And what if it’s too late? What if the person they’re sticking around for doesn’t exist anymore? Maybe the pieces of me they love are already gone. What they want, I can’t give. I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m still hungover. Maybe I need to stand in front of a mirror and say “I’m worth it, damn it.” ha

Maybe I need reassurance. Tell me I’ll be ok. Tell me you understand.

You know.
Lie to me.

Drunking/Hookup: G & S

I went out around 6:30 yesterday to watch a kickball game. I wanted to see Kasey somewhere that didn’t include millions of rugby girls and not so much alcohol. I only half succeeded. I hope that the fact that the girls I’m interested in seem to always be drunk isn’t a pattern I need to analyze. It probably is. Damn it. Anyway, we ended up at G and S, drinking, talking, and most of them smoking. It was actually pretty fun getting to know different people. I didn’t really have anyone to latch onto since I don’t know Kasey all that well. So I made my rounds and let my more outgoing side take over.

I’m a bit of an attention whore, but usually only with people who know me. When I’m in a crowd of strangers, it takes a lot more to get me out of my shell. I mean, I know that most of my friends will remain my friends no matter what I say or do. But strangers? Who knows what can get me beat up?

We stayed pretty late in the night. I didn’t really get more than buzzed. But I still classify this as drunking since Kasey got drunk off her ass. She started to feel me up in front of her friends, her hand rubbing my thigh. That didn’t really bother me. I’m very much into PDA and am quite skanky after even one drink. Okay, I’m probably just skanky by nature, but wait until I’ve had at least one drink to blame it on.

She left to get another pitcher of beer and I got bored waiting for her and sitting outside amongst all the smokers. So, I went inside to see the pool games and video games the rest of the group was playing. I ran into Kasey by the second bar (there are two in this place) and she set her pitcher down and made out with me in front of the group. Again, no complaints.

About thirty minutes later, I was sitting inside watching some women play pool when Kasey came up and pulled me from my seat. She led me to the one-person women’s restroom and yanked me inside. I’ve never made out in the bathroom. Well, until now.

I can’t really say it’s the best thing ever. I mean…it’s a public restroom. I’ve never really understood the fascination.

I left Kasey in the capable hands of her roommate (who we had to call to get her) and drove home around midnight.