Slightly drunking: swimming in my boxers and other weekend follies

This weekend, I got a bit of closure from the whole month of drunking with Kasey that occurred earlier this year. Each time I think back to how it ended, I cringe a bit, because we did a pretty good job of using each other. It made me feel a little worthless, to only have a person want to hang out with me and kiss me when they had been drinking. But I went to her for the same reason. And it never occurred to me to ask more personal questions to find out what Kasey was going through. I was just too wrapped up in my own crap.

So anyway, this weekend I was enlisted by Kasey to make a meeting with an ex of hers slightly more tolerable. She’s pretty tight with the family and felt obligated to go to one of their gatherings, but she really didn’t want to go empty-handed. I had met some of the ex’s family before, and Kasey knows I can field questions and talk people’s heads off. So I went and played the outgoing date, got drunk with Kasey, went swimming in my boxers (unlike Kase, I did not have a swimsuit tucked away in the car), and just generally blocked Kasey from as much annoying ex crap as I could. It still wasn’t super fun for her, but I hope I made it better than it could have been.

And it helped, to finally meet this ex and get more of the story of why they broke up. It helped me understand why Kasey had been so into drunking the same time I was. It helped me NOT feel so worthless. We just happened to meet at a time when we were both so very hurt and so very needy.

So later in the night when she kissed me, I felt something I’ve never felt before. A sort of relaxed kinship. A feeling like I’d truly made a friend that I didn’t feel awkward cuddling or lightly kissing. We hung out at her place afterwards, drinking beer and talking about exes and jobs and whatever else tipsy people talk about. And we said good night with a hug and a kiss and a feeling of almost gratitude. For having someone who’s living a similar life. Someone who’s scarred and still breathing and still trying.

Eeyore’s Birthday: notsodrunking

Austin saw some wonderful weather Saturday. Just cloudy enough to allow for hours of wandering the great outdoors in a crazy costume with a beer in each hand. Perfect, perfect day for Eeyore’s bday. I met up with a group of friends, who I will not mention individually because I refuse to make up 20 fake names, and we took in all the weird Austinites – ourselves included.

Pix and I went together and I got the chance to meet a cousin of hers. … who I’m hoping to see again in a setting where I’m not drinking and acting stupid with my friends. As I’ve mentioned before, it doesn’t take much beer to turn off my filters. All sorts of heinous things come out of my mouth. Please, please don’t ask me personal questions when I’ve been drinking. Especially if you don’t really want to hear the answer.

Not like I reached that point Saturday. I only had two beers. But still, why would I want someone’s first impression of me to be that I’m an immature ass? Well, unless that person LIKES immature asses. ‘Cause then I’m your man…ish…woman.

I had a lot of fun. Saw gigantic heads, gigantic twinkies, dozens of Waldos, and quite a few scantly clad women. Kinda reminded me a little of TRF. Great fun.

And the highlight? Hanging out with Pix WHILE hanging out with my friends. Ashley rarely hung out with any of my work friends and any other person I’ve … whatevered … has only ever hung out with me on an individual basis. So, it was actually pretty cool getting to chat with my friends and joke around like a dork, while occasionally pestering Pix or feeling her hand slip into mine. I think something that really bothered me with Ash was that we never felt like a couple. Not when the rest of the world was watching.

It took a long time before she felt comfortable holding my hand and we never really were into obvious PDA. We only ever hung off each other around one other couple, and I think a lot of that was because they were a lesbian couple, too. She wasn’t out to many people and that played a huge role in our relationship. Kinda forced me partially back into the closet. Which was NOT fun or healthy.

I guess I never really realized how much I resented having to hide things from other people, especially when it wasn’t my choice. I’m not one for facades. If you don’t like me for who I am, well then, tough skittles for you. I happen to be a very awesome person, and I don’t appreciate attempts to change that.

Pix seems pretty attracted to who I am. Which rules. And she isn’t afraid to express that attraction. Which means SHE rules. It’s an all-around ball of awesome.

So, yeah, Saturday. Great times.

Date: Texas Rodeo

I went on date yesterday. Not a group outing where I got drunk and made out with someone in that group. Not a random hookup with a complete stranger. An actual date. Ha, I was beginning to forget what those were like.

The day before yesterday I was sitting in my cube after lunch and fighting the full-tummy napzors when *she* IM’d me. I’ve stated that I’ll use fake names, so let’s call her “Pix”. Anyway, Pix and I chatted and flirted for the next four or five hours, while intermittently working (sorta kinda on my part). And by flirting, I mean that I usually blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and isn’t it great my mind is always in the gutter? But I do get a kick out of it. I was starting to feel guilty for keeping her from her work (I was, admittedly, ignoring my documentation at this point), so I told her I was heading out and wished her a good weekend. A few minutes went by while I shoved all my crap in my messenger bag. That’s when she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a BBQ cook off at the rodeo the next day – a funny suggestion since we’re both vegetarians. I have to admit that there was no deliberation on my part. Easy yes. I met Pix during my interview for my current job and immediately thought she was cute. Two years ago.

Now, you would think the date would be the nerve-wracking part, but it’s honestly the hour or two leading up to it. I’m not much for worrying about what clothes I’m going to wear, but I’ll still pace back and forth in front of the closet. Honestly, I would have been more nervous, except that we were IM’ing each other until she left the house to pick me up. I spent the next few minutes chattering mindlessly to my cat. But the second Pix showed up, total calm. Well, you know, my jittery, oddball kinda calm.

We headed out for a quick dinner before the rodeo, ‘cause the meaty fare wasn’t going to cut it. I thought I was going to be stupid, or run out of things to say, or spill food on myself. And I probably was stupid, and I DID run out of things to say, and don’t I always spill food on myself? But she grinned at my stupidity, easily took in the little silences, and hopefully didn’t see me frantically cleaning something off my pants.

No biggie. I vaguely remember spilling a drink on myself later that night, so what’s a little food? And yes, there WAS alcohol at the rodeo. Free alcohol. But that was later in the day and I swear it wasn’t that much. In fact, I made the purposeful effort to stay level-headed-ish. As I stated, this was a preplanned thing and I wanted to make a good impression. Not that I’m not super suave and awesome when I’ve been drinking.

We rode a few rides, walked the grounds, hung out with some work people I didn’t know and enjoyed the heck out of that free alcohol. I had a blast. She was hilarious to hang out with. It was nice to go into the night without expectations. To have it be casual, but not as drunk casual as I’m used to. We did make out a little. And by a little, I mean a whole lot and in front of, well, MANY people. And there was some alcohol involved. But, for once, it was something I knew I wanted (considering I wanted to kiss her the second she picked me up earlier that evening). The drinking did make it a bit more dramatic than I expected. I can honestly say that making out in front of so many coworkers was a new one. And it was pretty embarrassing to have a random person (who I didn’t know was there last night) yell out “Drunk girl!” to me today at work. But that doesn’t remove the awesome from the equation.

We ended up heading to my house around 1 in the morning. Ash is out of town this weekend for Spring Break, so I didn’t have to worry about that kind of awkwardness. We watched D.E.B.s until 4 and I spent the whole time amazed at how comfortable it felt. Being sexual with someone is one thing. I’ve got a long list of people I’m open to having sex with. This felt better than that. It was cool being with Pix and feeling like she wanted to be there with me, too. Not because she’s drunk, and not because she’s just filling time. But because she thought I was cute and she wanted to get to know me better.