I have this crazy idea.
July 20, 2010
When I started this blog, I was unhappy with my dating experiences. I was struggling with knowing what I really wanted and who I really was. Now, a year and a half later, I haven’t really answered any of my own questions, but I have found peace with the not-knowing. I had some good/bad experiences and I now understand what it can take to merge what my head thinks with what my heart wants.
I’ve steadily begun to accept that I am completely capable of walking the path that is my life and that I’m able to walk it alone. I don’t have to be in a relationship to achieve my goals: buying a house, owning a dog, learning to base jump, traveling to Rome, taking a cruise, having a baby, etc.
Yeah, try not to get whiplash on that last one. I know it’s the odd one out. A dog, a hobby, traveling, even a house can all be reasonable goals for a single person. But to willingly become a single parent… why consider it?
I’ve always wanted kids. I’ve had plenty of moments when I wasn’t sure if I *should* have kids or *could* have kids, but I always wanted them. I guess you could argue that I’m still a bit brainwashed. Or you could argue that I’m trying to fix my own childhood by reliving it through someone else. Even if, I’d still really love that kid. No question. Unconditionally.
And no, I’m not planning on doing this today. I just got the freaking house and dog. I’m in no hurry – no matter how much Argyle wants to be a godparent.
I’m just saying that I’m open to the idea. I’ve got the resources. Sure it’d take a lot of hard work, scheduling flexibility, and some of my savings, but I could pull it off. Today even.
And that’s not to say that I don’t want a partner to help raise the kid. But one doesn’t have to come before the other. And really, anyone who thinks that they should force themselves into a marriage to satisfy their mother hen habits is asking for pain. I’m sorry, but you can’t convince me that being married to someone I settled for will make for a better child-rearing environment. I don’t lie that well to myself.
Don’t settle then, you say. Wait until you’re happily married and then have a kid. One, I’m not rushing. This will not happen within the next 48 months. Who knows, maybe I will be in a relationship then. Maybe not. Two, what is this fascination with the nuclear family? Especially when so many perfectly happy individuals came from variable households. It’s not the number of parents that creates a healthy child, but the quality of those parents. Attention, love, patience, and knowledge – that’s what a kid needs.
And my kid will not be left wanting. I have an amazing network of friends, the closest of which I know would make great aunts and godparents. THEY are my family and I think they’d happily help me figure things out. I’ve already got offers for Lamaze partners and babysitters and one very enthusiastic lesbian ready to teach my child(ren) about the joys of sports.
So yeah – there you have it, the realization that’s been bugging me for months now. I’ve thought it through and now I’m just going to sleep on it for the next year or two.
Then, after some time, if I haven’t woken up bald from stress or keeled over from nightmares, I’ll know I’m really OK to move forward and I’ll go into crazy read-any-book-I-can mode and begin preparing my mind and body for this huge change.
Until then, here I am: single, busy, and very content.
